Ten Microt Freeview
by Cordelia Sun
Summary: Aeryn & Chiana pull out a stash of dirty videos and give them the Mystery Science Theatre treatment.


Notes: Orginally Posted to AO3

Content warning: Not smut and not explicit, but does contain some very frank discussion of sex and pornography.

* * *

John finished up in the maintenance bay and headed on back to Aeryn's quarters. No that wasn't right...his quarters. Theirs. Despite the fact that he'd lived there for a while now he still thought of them as hers. He guessed it would take time for that to sink in.

He arrived and found the room hushed and dark. D'Argo was asleep in the crib that he and the DRD's had constructed and1812 kept a careful watch on him; the strangest baby monitor in the galaxy. John leaned into the crib and tucked the blanket in a little more snugly.

"Where's your Mother, little buddy?" he whispered, stroking D'Argo's forehead.

"Hey, 1812," he said to the little tri-coloured DRD, "you're doing a great job. Keep it up."

Smiling he headed back out into the corridor; he had a pretty good idea of where Aeryn would be. His quarters had become a kind of crew common room since he moved out and most of the crew hung out there watching T.V. in their downtime (Rygel, of course, had his own T.V. and refused to share.) He and Aeryn had spent a many a fun evening together sharing some of his favourite movies; most of which Aeryn found highly amusing. Star Trek was already pretty thoroughly ruined for him by life out here in the Uncharted Territories, but Aeryn finished the job nicely with the hysterical laughing fit that almost made her throw up. Still, it had the nice side effect that he could now crack her up at any time simply by mumbling 'Spock's Brain' into her ear.

She laughed so easily these days. Easy, at least, compared to the old days.

Down the corridor he saw soft light streaming through the latticework of the door and heard voices whispering and giggling. He guessed Chiana was there too; Chiana loved the T.V. and she and Aeryn had spent a lot of time together since Qujaga.

"Hey girls!" he called out as he arrived and he leaned against the doorway, his arms folded, taking in the scene. His guess had been correct. Chiana and Aeryn sat next to each other cross-legged on John's old bed with a big bag of popcorn between them. John shook his head in wonder; he still couldn't get over how obsessed they all were with popcorn. Chocolate, now that's where he thought it was at, but they weren't interested in chocolate at all!

He couldn't see the screen from where he stood, but whatever they were watching they seemed to find it very funny.

"John!" Chiana said bouncing up on to her knees and pointing at the T.V., "we're so glad you're here. You have to come help us understand this."

"Understand what?" he said and stepped forward to see the screen, "Oh god! Chiana!"

John jumped back and covered his eyes, he could feel his face burning and the tips of his ears were on fire. On the screen was a most graphic and lurid image of several very naked men with a very naked woman indulging in some very hardcore sex acts.

"What the hell are you watching! Where did you even get that?" he asked, his voice came out a lot higher than he expected. He kept his eyes fixed firmly on the opposite wall.

"We we're looking through all the tapes we brought from Earth," said Aeryn, her voice dripping with amusement at his discomfiture. "You know there are whole crates of videos in the cargo hold. This is one of the crates."

"Crates? Wait, you bought those videos for me right? You bought me a _crate_ of porn?" A juggernaut smashed through his brain in slow-motion as the implications of this played out in his imagination. The government, or the media, will have made a record of everything they had bought on Earth. Everyone was going to know they had skipped off into space with a crate of porn. His Dad would know!

"We bought all sorts of things and not just for you. Chiana and Rygel chose most of the porn actually." Aeryn said.

John risked a look at Chiana who grinned at him with enthusiasm.

"And you were OK with that?" he asked Aeryn.

"Sure, it's just pornography. We have that too you know."

"Yeah, I know." Chiana had once bought a batch of total immersion games which included some porn. He'd never tried it; Stark's little horror show turned him off virtual reality for life.

"Besides," Aeryn continued, "I thought it would be interesting to learn more about human sex."

"Yeah." Chiana nodded vigorously, "you two weren't really talking much when we got all these. We thought it might help get you back. Ideas, you know?"

"Oh god!" moaned John, a little chunk of his soul burned away in a lake of searing liquid embarrassment.

"They do say that a lot, don't they Chiana?" said Aeryn in apparently genuine seriousness, "Oh God!" she groaned, mimicking the sounds that were coming from the screen.

"I can't deal with this," said John, "I'm outta here."

He turned to leave still shielding his eyes but Aeryn leapt up and grabbed his free arm, pulling him back into the room, "Oh no you don't!"

"You can't leave!" called Chiana, "we want to ask you some questions."

"Yes John, we do!" Aeryn grinned at him clearly enjoying his distress and he looked at her, giving her his best puppy dog please-don't-do-this-to-me eyes. It didn't work. It never did.

He sat on the edge of the bed, facing away from the T.V. with his face buried in his hands determined not to get involved, but Aeryn grabbed his arm in her vice like grip and pulled him around. She sat him in between her and Chiana, propping the popcorn bag on his lap. She placed her hands on her knees and regarded him with a prim and interested expression.

"So John, we've watched a few of these so far and we've noticed a few things we want to ask you about." she nudged him as he pressed his fingers to the bridge of his nose and groaned, "come on John, look. This is interesting."

"It's not interesting, its weird." he said, "I do not want...to chit chat...about porn."

"Why not? Surely you've watched this kind of thing before."

John flashed her a desperate look; eyes wide and ears burning. Sure, he'd watched some videos and there were a couple of magazines that saw him through the worst of his teens. Hell, once he'd even watched a dirty movie with Caroline and that had been kinda fun. But you don't talk about it! Sitting down casually chatting about porn with two women with such a terrifying anthropological interest was mortifying. He'd stopped thinking of them as aliens a long time ago, but he was horribly aware of the fact that, right this microt, humanity was under some serious scrutiny.

"He's such a prude." Chiana said, casually popping some popcorn into her mouth and turning her attention back to the screen, "like most of the guys we met on his farbot planet. Now, if I'd bumped into these guys," she pointed at the screen, "I reckon I'd have had a lot more fun."

"I'm sure you would," agreed Aeryn, "although the girl in this movie doesn't seem to be having very much fun. She looks very uncomfortable."

"Hmm, she does." Chiana agreed and turned to John, "John?"

"What?" he mumbled from behind his hand.

"In a lot of these movies the girls don't look like they're having any fun. Why is that?"

"Because...because...I don't know." he flailed, "I guess most porn is aimed at guys and it isn't always about the girl having a good time."

"Really? You've always been very thorough in that respect. Is that not a normal human thing?" said Aeryn. He looked up and met with Aeryn and Chiana's polite enquiring expressions.

"Yeah, it is. But porn sex and real sex isn't the same thing." he said, wishing they would leave him alone.

"Hmm, interesting. Now these men here are all nearly hairless." Aeryn pointed at the screen, "they look almost like carrier-born Sebacean males."

"They do," agreed Chiana.

"I thought human males were generally more hairy, like you are." said Aeryn, she smiled and slowly ran a fingertip down his forearm; the hair there prickled at her tantalising touch.

"Everybody's different...and they probably wax." he said staring at the ceiling, uncomfortably aware of Chiana's appraising looks, which flicked back and forth between him and the screen. He resisted the urge to cover his arms.

"Wax? Whatever for?" asked Chiana, "I like some hair on a male."

"Me too." Aeryn paused and tilted her head at the TV, "the penises are very similar though. Apart from the hair."

"They are?" asked Chiana, looking sideways at John with interest.

"Yes, similar shape and size. That must be standard human." said Aeryn with a firm nod. John jumped as she plunged her hand into the bag on his lap and grabbed a handful of popcorn.

"Really?" said Chiana, with an approving nod, "Nice. Impressive."

"Er, thanks." John bit down on a knuckle and reckoned he might just be on the brink of a heart attack, "can I please just go?"

"No!" said Chiana and Aeryn in unison.

Aeryn picked up a video case and inspected it before holding it in front of his face, "now this one seems to advertise anal in really big letters. That's anal penetration right? Why would you do that?"

"Do anal?" asked John. The question threw him enough to draw him in.

"Yes, sex in an orifice designed for waste expulsion. Seems very unhygienic." Her brows drew together as she inspected the case with distaste. Aeryn was remarkably broad minded—Peacekeeper recreation culture obviously encouraged experimentation—she'd blown his mind on more than one occasion. He was a little stunned to finally come across something taboo for her.

"Some people like it." he shrugged.

"I like it," said Chaina, "it's fun if you know what you're doing."

"Really?" said Aeryn, "Its never occurred to me to try something like that. You've never suggested it John. Have you done it? Don't you like it?"

"Oh god, Aeryn, I don't know! Do we have to have this conversation now?" He had tried it, a couple of times, with a girlfriend he hadn't known all that long and found it all a bit awkward. Though he wasn't adverse to trying again with someone he felt more comfortable with. His mind began to gently spin with previously unconsidered possibilities.

"You should give it a go," Chiana said earnestly, "it can be very, very good."

"Hmm." Aeryn looked thoughtfully at the box and put it back down.

"Oh, something else I noticed. You don't tend to see the male's faces very often," said Chiana, "why is that?"

"You don't need to ask him that, it's obvious," said Aeryn, "all males look ridiculous when having sex. Especially during climax."

"Hey!" John objected. This was unnecessary.

"Well, it's true." Aeryn shrugged.

"I don't think so," said Chiana.

"Thank you, Chiana," said John.

"I think they look really cute." Chiana made a face, which John imagined was her impression of a male at climax. Aeryn howled with laughter and John stifled a scream as he wondered if he'd ever get that image out of his head or if it would pop up at unfortunate moments for the rest of his life. He had enough images like that and he didn't need any more.

The sound of a series of seemingly agonising grunts drew their attention back to the TV. It even drew John's eyes and he glanced up just in time to see one of the men ejaculate across the girls face.

"Why do they do that?" asked Chiana, "they do that a lot. That's _not_ where it's supposed to go."

John and Aeryn shared a brief glance.

"Humans are very odd," said Aeryn vaguely.

"Yes we are and I'm not talking about this anymore." said John, waving his hand at the screen, "I don't know anything about all this. This is not the kind of thing I like."

He knew at once he'd said something foolish as both women turned their faces to him and grinned.

"Oh, so you have a kind that you do like?" asked Aeryn and nodded at Chiana.

"What is it? Maybe we have some." Chiana picked up a box from the floor and started pulling out video cases and laying them on the bed. John's eye's widened as case after case of pornography of every type he could think of, and even a couple he couldn't, was laid out on the bed. He gazed at the sea of extraordinary and graphic images and swallowed hard.

"So, which is the kind you like John?" ask Aeryn in a pleasant interested tone.

John looked up at her a considered begging. He didn't usually think of himself as a prude, but compared to Chiana and a woman who had grown up in a culture that considered casual sex— recreation—a pastime on a par with a pottery class, he was practically a Nun.

He didn't think he would mind so much if it was just him and Aeryn—although the questions would still make him want to crawl into a hole for the rest of eternity—but with Chiana here...it was too much.

"No way," he said, throwing his hands up and climbing off the bed, "I'm done. I'm outta here."

"Oh, come on Crichton!" pleaded Chiana, "we're just interested."

"Yes, John, stay." Aeryn flashed him that slightly twisted smile that he usually found so damn sexy and usually meant she was playing some kind of game with him, "We're just interested in learning more about humans and sex."

"Look, porn is not human sex," he cried, "it's all fake and exaggerated. And...and it's very demeaning to women." he wagged an accusing finger at them, "objectifying! You two should think about that!"

The girls looked at him with deadpan expressions then they glanced at each other; Chiana fell about laughing on the bed dragging a smiling, breathless, Aeryn down with her. John watched them for a few microts before he shook his head, stupefied, and escaped while he could. Their ringing laughter followed him down the corridor.

John went back to their quarters and checked on D'Argo, who was still soundly asleep in his crib. He sat on the bed, took out his notebook and began to doodle absently unable to focus on anything much. He could still feel his ears burning.

A short while later Aeryn came back to their room; eyes crinkled with amusement. He waved an admonishing figure at her.

"You...you..." he started, but couldn't think of what to say.

"I what?" she said as she climbed onto the bed and snuggled up next to him.

"You're mean!" He knew it sounded childish, but his stomach was still twisted in wretched embarrassment.

"I know, I'm sorry." she said and laid a head on his shoulder, "although I did win us a hundred krendars." she held up a small handful of angular coins.

"You did what, now?" he said, staring at the currency.

"I had a bet with Chiana on how long it would take to get you to run screaming from the room."

"You mean you were tormenting me on purpose!" he asked, incredulous, "For a bet?"

"Uh huh." she looked up and gave him a bright smile, waggling her eyebrows at him.

"Um, what was the bet?" he asked, not sure he wanted the answer.

"Chiana said she could do it in less than two hundred microts." said Aeryn, "I said you'd last longer."

"I'm glad you had faith in me." he said still scandalised at what they'd done. He should have guessed when he saw that mischievous smile.

"Well, I know how filthy you can be. You disappointed me though; you only lasted a little while more."

"Every little helps." he said and went to snatch the currency from her, "but I did _not_ scream."

"Sure you did," she said laughing, pulling back out of his way so that he fell on her and they wrestled playfully on the bed.

"Wait! Shh, shh, you'll wake the baby," hissed John, losing the wrestling match and not minding one bit.

"Oops," said Aeryn and stifled a giggle.

She pressed him down on the bed and straddled him as she pinned his arms behind his head and wriggled a little on his lap; causing some uncomfortable constriction in that general area. She bit her bottom lip before she leaned down and they shared a soft, lingering kiss. John let himself be carried away by the moment; the taste and feel and smell of Aeryn Sun. His frelling incredible wife. She could pretty much do whatever she wanted with him right at this moment and John was pretty sure she knew it.

"Chiana's gone to do her watch in command." she said leaning down to nuzzle his neck, "and D'Argo will be asleep for a while."

"Hmm?" he moaned his question. His eyes were closed and he was acutely aware of the way she was squirming on his lap.

"So why don't we go back to your old room?" she nipped gently at his earlobe.

"Hmm?"

"And you can show me which of the videos you like." she whispered in his ear.

"What?" his eyes flew open in surprise.

"You heard," she said and sat back. Her eyes locked with his and she flashed him one of her wicked smiles, "and I can show you which one I like best."

John licked his lips and stared back at her, his attention arrested. This could be fun. A chance to get his own back maybe. Do a little tormenting of his own.

"OK." he breathed and pushed against the grip on his wrists, successfully overcoming it and rolling her on to her back, "but on one condition."

"What's that?" she asked, looking up at him with a soft smile.

"You don't get to ask any questions."

"But how will I learn?" she asked sweetly.

"I guess I'll just have to show you."

THE END


End file.
